A girl with so many issues.

Its 4am ,i make this very crazy decision to start a blog and pour out all the questions and thoughts going through my mind and all the horrible and tragic situtions i have been in and currently am in. 

I wonder if anyone else has these  thoughts or am i alone?  

Are there any other Humans out there who may have answers to all my questions  and could help me? 

The only way to find out is to share these thoughts and i hope someone out there can understand   me and maybe even help me. 

 So if anyone is out there wondering  what in the world am i speaking about please follow my blog and stay tuned to see exactly what i am rambling on about…  

Any help  or answers  or advice or  opinions  will be extremely helpful. 

Stay tuned.

Xoxo

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Is Privacy Violation Acceptable?

This year something unfortunate happened. It ruined me and my life . It ruined my family and now has caused everyone to hate me. 

I would like to know what everyone of you   out there reading  this blog post has to  say about it.  Please  feel free to comment. Your opinions  may help change my life. 
At the begining of this year i was very close with  my cousins and my fathers sister whom  I shall not name.  In the past we had our differences but finally we had put them aside and now became freinds.

Everything was going perfect but something had to happen to ruin it all.

They just stopped speaking to me   without an explanation and started treating me oddly with hate and blocking me off social media platforms. Very hurt by this i decided to appraoch them  wih my father to  find out what was going on and what had i done to them. 

I went with peace and love to sort out any issues that may have occured that  I did not know about that i may have did to hurt these people. I did not want drama…. But drama is all that brewed. 

 I asked them what was going on and my aunt pretended she knew nothing and then came my horrible and cruel cousins…  Walking into  the room  telling my father they did not want to say anything because they said i knew what i did. ,but i had absolutely no idea. Honest to God i was lost  they kept saying “She knows what she did!”  Instead of  allowing me to speak or telling me what was going on  they kept blaming me and i did not know why. They were disreapectful to my father too.  Being blamed for something i did not know made me loose my temper  too, but i would never physically  hurt anyone. Slowly the truth  came out.

According to them “someone” had came across messages of which i had sent to my boyfriend  in private  regarding them in screenshots. I asked them who but they refused to tell me. They said i was a phsycopath  and that i would kill the person,but i have never physically hurt a soul  in my entire life.

They had messages  in which i had vented to my boyfriend about them  being horrible to me or me feeling horrible after being in their presence ages ago. Things i had said in anger or sadness and in my depression(i suffer from depression and amxiety) and as someone who  has insecurity issues. 

Some one had  hacked my boyfriends whatsapp and sent them these messages. Some had VIOLATED MY PRIVACY . Hacking is a crime and a violation of privacy.  They refuse to believe that and tell me who did this to me. Everyone only believes i deliberately hurt them with the things i said in private to my boyfriend. It was in PRIVATE.  i was not feeling well and i was venting. Do i not have  a right to vent in private to someone i love. Am i not human and entitled to privacy?

I was horrified and in shock not because they knew what i had said.It was pretty petty things but  i did gossip about them. I admit my wrongs and have admitted the wrongs to them in an apology and forgiveness letter. They refuse to forgive me. 

 In the messages  they had …i said that my cousin acts weird because he does not greet.  I said they sometimes act  like they the best people in the world coz they have money and  make other people feel lower than them with the things they speak of. I said the other cousin sometimes thinks shes got the best body because she keeps saying it to me in my pressence and always makes fun of people with curvy bofy types. I even said that i think she copies my style. It was petty things i said in my childish insecure dumb moments to my boyfriend in private! 

 I was horrified that some person had violated my privacy  i was paranoid and scared and hurt and afraid. I didnt know what to do. My parents see it  from my side and support me as i was not wrong yess i gossiped but to my boyfriend in private in a state of venting.  Not to anyone else. 

Do people have  a right to violate  your privacy to see what you say  about them ?    

Till this day everyone believes  they are  right and it was okay  that  a person violated my privacy(i have reason to believe my cousin hacked my boyfriends whatsapp) to give them these messages. 

Is it okay to violate a persons privacy? Is it okay to read conversations a person has with their boyfriend?  

 Please let me know in the comments section what you think of this

It has ruined me i hate having people hate me and i hate  when people cant see right from wrong. How would you feel if someone violated your privacy?

If they can violate my privacy for somthing so irrelevant what else can they violate?  

I forgive them but the memory of how everything occured is  difficult to overcome and having depression does not make it any easier. 

i pray that no one ever goes through the torment of having anything of yours violates.  Not your body nor your privacy. It is a crime and i should be   dealt with. 

Peace and love.

Depression and Anxiety  for the win. 

Trying to survive with both these mental conditions  has been and carries on being tough. Everyday is like waking up to a constant war in my brain one which i cannot win but still try to everyday. 

As far as i know these are the two conditions i know i have been professionally diagnosed with almost a year ago , as my doctors never really share with me everything that is going on. 

As a self diagnosis i believe i suffer from both these horibble issues and some more  too. For example.. Toxic shame and recently i believe social anxiety.  

How do  people actually cope with this?

How do u go on leading a life with so much mental  stuggle each moment of the day. 

I have become aftaid to be happy and feel happy because i know one of the two  are probably going to come  from behind in  a sneak attack and destroy my moment of relief and happiness. 

If you suffer from any mental illness you may know exactly what i mean. 

I have been on anti depressents. Starting on a low dosage and increasing.  But it seems to wear off after six months and i have to  keep increasing the dosage.

Sooo i decided to  get off the meds. I am afraid that at some point even the highest dosage will stop working eventually. 

I cant see a professional anymore due to no funds to actually be able  to  get professional help. 

I am in over my head.  No one around me understands and  they believe its very easy to fight it. But its not.  They think changing my mindset will help me but how can i do that when my mind is the actual problem. They have no idea how   much i try to fight everyday.  I mean i have not yet given up although i really really want to.

For every  positive thought comes a negative. 

I am so lost at this point i dont even know what i am supposed to do.

 I feel alone because no one wants to try to even understand. 

  If anyone out there is suffering and going through what i am please reach out and  let me k ow how you cope with it.  

And if anyone has combatted depression anxiety   i would love to know how to beat this too. 

As if this  isnt enough to deal with every step of the way theres so much extra  situations that come up that  have made dealing with this even more complicated. 

Situations of which i will  share in future blog posts.

Xoxo.